How to communicate clearly
about your ideas and interests

“Cheeky people have half the world.” Whether brash behavior falls under assertive, aggressive or anything in between, we’ll leave aside for the moment. What matters is that you achieve less when you keep yourself quiet. Communicating and acting assertively sounds so simple, but in practice many people struggle with it. It helps to understand exactly what assertiveness means. So, what do we mean by assertiveness and how do you deploy it?

It’s all about balance

Acting assertively is about finding balance between your interests and those of the other person. When you push too much, it leads to resistance. When you say too little, you ignore your own wishes. You may try to keep everyone happy, but in doing so, you cause ambiguity. By taking both your own needs and the other person’s needs seriously, you increase the chances of a good conversation.

Assertive, sub-assertive and aggressive behavior

Assertiveness means expressing your emotions, setting boundaries and standing up for yourself without shortchanging the other person. This is an important part of personal leadership. You exhibit sub-assertive behavior when you take up too little space. Aggressive behavior means that you take up too much space.

The three behaviors in a row:

• Assertiveness. You naturally stand up for yourself while respecting others. You create space for yourself without taking others’. This comes from supportive thoughts.
• Sub-assertiveness. You try to occupy little space and in doing so, you let yourself walk all over yourself. You are less visible and act from impeding thoughts.
• Aggressiveness. Instead, you take up too much space by running over others. As a result, you are actually too present. This behavior also stems from impeding thoughts.

How do you develop supportive thoughts and behaviors?

Thoughts are supportive when they lead to assertive behavior. The points below will help you train that.

• Dwell on the undertones of what you are thinking. Ask yourself where your responsibility lies and where the other person’s responsibility lies. When can you solve something yourself and when is it wise to discuss it? By formulating your goals clearly, you create direction.
• Put yourself in situations that are pleasant for both you and the other person. Assertiveness does not mean that you always get your way. It does mean that you are honest about your needs, while maintaining respect for your interlocutor.
• Guard your boundaries in terms of time and space. When you are vague, the other person does not know where he or she stands. Clarity prevents miscommunication and increases mutual trust.

Benefits of self-reflection

Reflection is valuable for understanding and improving your behavior and thoughts. It increases your self-knowledge and helps you develop. It provides several benefits:

• You take more ownership. You are at the helm of your decisions.
• You experience fewer negative emotions because you can better regulate your emotions.
• A greater degree of authenticity. Because you are more comfortable with who you are, know what you want and how you express yourself. You stay true to yourself, without wanting to shortchange the other from ego-related issues.
• You make more conscious choices and manage time and priorities more effectively.

Wondering how to conduct a difficult conversation assertively? Preparation is key. Tips and practical tools can be found in this follow-up article.