Achieve connection?
Find out drives!
Drives: the undercurrent of behavior
“We talk, but don’t listen. We hear, but don’t understand.” A loose phrase from an accidentally overheard conversation, but recognizable enough. The Babylonian confusion of speech is still sometimes present today. Successful communication is all about connecting and understanding what drives someone. By listening better and asking the right questions, you increase that chance. What does it gain you when you understand what drives someone? What questions do you ask to really open up a conversation?
What are drives?
Researchers Deci and Ryan identify three main drivers: autonomy, competence and connectedness. Many thoughts, feelings and behaviors can be traced back to these. Think about how travel providers capitalize on the idea of freedom, the feeling of growing as a person or the promise that a trip strengthens your relationship. They hit a different driver in each message.
When you know what someone really cares about, you can better match that need. This makes it easier to reach a joint solution or compromise.
Asking the right question
An open-ended question provides the most valuable information. It is short, clear and consists of one sentence. People are more likely to skirt around something and talk a lot, not getting to the heart of their question. Keep your question compact to avoid that. If you find that too direct, opt for a short introduction before asking the question.
Do you ever ask an open-ended question?
You don’t answer an open-ended question with yes or no. A good open-ended question satisfies three points:
- Neutral. Your opinion does not resonate with the wording. This keeps the other person free to give an honest answer.
- The correct question word. Use “What do you think about…” when asking about feelings or opinions. “How …” when asking about methods or skills. “What…” in behavioral questions.
- In line with your nonverbal communication. An open attitude, eye contact and positive use of voice support your question. It shows that you are genuinely interested. Arms crossed or a sigh send a different message than your intent.
More than small talk
Better questions lead to better conversations. They deepen the connection with the other person and make it easier to discuss topics that really matter. In this TED Talk, communications expert and life coach Amber L. Wright addresses this topic. By asking with attention and without judgment, a conversation becomes more than an exchange of words. It becomes a meaningful encounter.
