With an open vision
and a clear goal

You know a conversation is needed, but you keep putting it off. Or you react too quickly, even before someone has finished talking. Having a difficult conversation requires self-knowledge and preparation. By getting clear in advance what your point is and being assertive, you remain clear to the other person and are better able to keep your distance from emotions that do not help you.

Don’t make conversations more difficult than necessary

Good preparation is half the battle. It helps you to stay aware during a conversation. You recognize faster when you slip into old patterns and you are more alert to triggers, both in yourself and in the other person.

What you do before you open your mouth largely determines how you experience the conversation. The stories you tell yourself color your judgment. Sometimes your assessment is correct, but feelings like anger or fear often say more about ourselves than about what the other person is doing or will do. Awareness is key. By staying curious and asking open-ended questions, you increase your chances of really hearing the other person’s vision.

Preparing for growth

You can come up with your own approach, but a theory provides a handy guide. The GROW model helps you analyze the situation and arrive at a clear approach.

• Goal. Formulate the purpose of your conversation. What do you want to accomplish and what do you hope the other person will get out of it? What is the main topic and what side issues will you let go of?
• Reality. Describe the current situation factually. What has already been tried? What works, what doesn’t? What doubts do you have? What do you feel and what is that based on?
• Options. Explore alternatives to achieve your goal and weigh the pros and cons. What options are available to solve the issue? When doing so, don’t just focus on what you prefer, but keep an open mind. An open mind helps you think more creatively.
• Willpower. Decide how you will approach the conversation. Which option will you choose? What skills will you deploy? What are your triggers and how will you deal with them?

Good preparation does not guarantee a successful conversation, but it does increase the likelihood of clarity, calm and mutual understanding.

Reciprocity

Reciprocity occurs when you have respect for yourself as well as for the other person. Both parties are entitled to their own thoughts, emotions and opinions. You may ask for what you need and you may say no without feeling guilty. Many conflicts stem from the idea that someone is more entitled to anger. Statements such as “yes, but you are doing this while I am…” and “look what you are doing to me while I am for you…” lead to blame and an uneven playing field. It’s not a contest or a scale that determines who has more cause for resentment. Instead, focus on the common interest. What solution will help both of you move forward?

Furthermore, it is also good to keep what you indicate to yourself. Don’t present your perception as fact. It sounds logical, yet it’s easy to go wrong. It helps to keep your feedback concrete:

• Describe the other person’s behavior as objectively as possible.
• Name the effect this behavior has on you.
• Describe your feelings from the I form.
• Indicate what you would prefer to see in your desired situation.

An example: “If you come late, I am afraid we will be delayed. I feel stress then. I would like us to start on time next time.” This form sounds stylized, but it makes the principle clear. You can give it your own tone and style, as long as the structure is right. Open-ended questions help when the conversation gets bogged down. Practice makes these kinds of conversations easier, so give yourself space to do the same!