I can hear you,
but I'm not listening

Hearing is one of the five senses, but listening is really a skill. It is a skill that you use consciously. Are you aware of the intention with which you are listening? Stephen Covey’s famous quote says it all: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply.” Imagine what conversations look like when you first understand before you respond. Why is listening so important and what can you learn from it?

Listening as a higher grammar for executives

For leaders, listening is as important as it is challenging. Working hybrid means you miss nonverbal cues that normally help you understand your team. To engage and retain team members, listening is important to know what someone needs. Sometimes we are so busy with our own goals and filling in missing information that we forget that most of it is there for the taking. If only we want to hear it.

The purpose of listening

In every conversation, you have two goals. You want to understand what the other person is communicating, both the meaning and the emotion behind it. Next, you want to show understanding and show that you understand. Someone who does not feel heard will share less. Active listening consists of three parts:

The cognitive aspect

You focus your attention on both the explicit and implicit message. You record, analyze and give feedback.

The emotional aspect

You react from commitment. This requires that you recognize and regulate your own emotions so that you do not react from irritation or distraction.

The behavioral aspect

Showing that you are listening. Conveying interest and understanding. You do this with questions, summaries, body language and an open attitude.

Here’s how to do it

Even small adjustments strengthen your listening behavior. Want to improve your listening behavior, but need concrete tips? This cheat list will help you take immediate steps:

• Repeat the other person’s last words.
• Use your own words only when necessary.
• Show nonverbally that you are listening, as long as it remains natural.
• Pay attention to the other person’s nonverbal behavior.
• Ask more questions than you think are necessary.
• Minimize distractions as much as possible.
• Acknowledge your own shortcomings.
• Let the other person elaborate fully.
• Monitor your emotions and recognize your triggers.

When you want to summarize something in your own words, to test your understanding, say so explicitly. By doing so, you make your intention clear. Natural behavior always works better than frenetically applying rules. When you spend too much time remembering to make eye contact or nod, you lose the essence of listening. By asking lots of questions, you miss fewer details. Going into a heavy or loaded conversation? Make sure your head is clear. Take a short time to do so.

Plan-of-listening

Listening consists of several subtasks. You are probably strong in one part and have room to grow in others. It helps not to judge yourself as a good or bad listener. What does help is to evaluate yourself. Reflect consciously on your listening behavior and develop further. In no time you will have stronger conversations!