Research success
and shift your mindset

If you achieve your goals then you are successful, right? If you are successful, you are satisfied and happy, right? Just by asking those questions out loud, you give the answer. To this you do not say a resounding yes. Why is one not necessarily related to the other and how do you change this? What is the correlation between success and happiness?

Almost, but just barely

“I was almost happy, why should I be happy when I failed?” Many people who achieve their goals struggle with feeling true fulfillment. Exactly what success means varies from person to person. For some, it is about athletic achievements. For others, it’s about maintaining important relationships, buying a bigger house, overcoming depression or pursuing healthy principles. There is no right or wrong in what success means. Yet you see many successful people focus on one goal, so nuance is lost.

There are several reasons why you do not feel satisfaction, even when you are successful:

• You constantly compare yourself to others.
• There are no limits to goal setting, so is it ever enough?

When you achieve a goal, you get a momentary feeling of happiness. A dopamine shot. Once this wears off, another void is created that you try to fill by striving further. This addictive cycle completely messes up our “it’s enough button. You no longer see clearly that achieving a goal is something to be proud of!

Good luck, what can it cost you?

Are you in charge of your goals, or are your goals in charge of you? When you are in service to the goal of having more and more, succeeding and being as attractive as possible, you chase yourself. When success becomes the main focus, you pay a price. Time, relaxation, pleasure, relationships or health are then under pressure. The fulfillment you hope for fails to materialize because the feeling of success only lasts for a short time.

Dissatisfaction is not a fixed consequence, but a learned response. You build up expectations such as: “If I achieve this, I will feel happy.” The advantage of this is that you can also learn the opposite. When you learn to see success and satisfaction separately, it creates room for a different way of experiencing. Satisfaction then becomes a choice, not a byproduct of performance goals.

The question behind success

Setting goals and striving for success is obviously something to be encouraged, provided it stems from your own leadership. By asking yourself questions, you discover what you really hope to achieve. You then don’t automatically connect success to your sense of happiness, but use it as a guide to personal meaning.

There are multiple dimensions of success. Below are two worked out examples with research questions to help you clarify your relationship with success.

1. Re-examine your relationship with money

The pursuit of money or wealth is recognizable to many people. The question is what meaning you give to “having more money. When the amount of money becomes determinant of your self-esteem, confusion arises.

Questions that move you forward:

• What do I believe about the role money plays in my well-being?
• What fear do I feel at the idea of not having enough?
• Do I compare my financial situation to others?
• At what times does money make me feel guilty, ashamed, inadequate or self-righteous?
• What is “enough money” for me?

2. Re-examine your relationship with ‘recognition and status’

Receiving admiration from people we respect feels good. This makes us feel appreciated. Thus, having a large social circle works well, having a lot of influence and receiving praise after achieving success. This makes status and recognition attractive. Especially at a time when visibility and quick feedback are easy to come by. Social media benefits from it. When that need shifts to a constant desire for external affirmation, it actually works against your happiness.

Reflection questions:

• In what ways do I seek affirmation from people who are important to me?
• How much time do I spend on social media and how does it affect me?
• Does it affect me when others get more attention? Online or in real-life?
• Do I often wonder how much people care about me? Do I doubt my added value?
• Am I trying to manipulate conversations to impress others?
• What is my definition of “enough recognition”?

Shift your mindset successfully

It can be valuable to have a conversation with others about the relationship between success and happiness. Many systems we grew up in still work with scores and fixed criteria. This feeds the belief that you are only good enough when you meet predetermined requirements. It is precisely your own values that guide what is truly meaningful. That is why it makes sense to be critical of what you now consider to be successful, meaningful and valuable.

This mindset shift will help you do just that:

• From comparison to compassion. Comparing yourself to the successes of others leads almost by default to dissatisfaction and emptiness. It also reduces the likelihood that you will move yourself. Feeling compassion for your own process, including setbacks, gives much more peace and motivation!
• From score keeping to dues. Always taking stock of accomplishments, followers, money or possessions provides little lasting satisfaction. Looking at your contribution to the lives of others provides a more lasting sense of meaning.

When you want to change something in how you experience success and satisfaction, realize that this is a process. You develop yourself through awareness and by continuing to ask yourself questions. Think back to a moment when you felt genuine satisfaction. What made that moment valuable? How can you create more experiences like that?