Always positive
can be quite depressing

With a positive mindset, you achieve more than with a negative one. Through repetition, both in behavior and thoughts, you build new connections in your brain. This creates a positive habit. Yet there is a point at which positivity turns into something that is counterproductive. That is the moment when positivity becomes forced.

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is a way of reacting in which you force yourself or another person to immediately redirect negative emotions into a positive direction. This is often done from good intentions. Think of reactions such as: “let it go,” “just shrug it off,” or “look at it from the positive side.” These comments do not acknowledge what is actually going on. They close the door to conversation. Acknowledgement is precisely what is needed before you can get to compassion or a solution. Not sure what to say? Then honesty is a better starting point. Asking what the other person needs is often an appropriate first step.

Clear language

With the best of intentions, sometimes people do say something you perceive as toxic positivity. That’s why it helps to be clear about your own needs. You can say that you are having a bad day and would prefer that someone listen. For example, “I’m having a bad day and would prefer that you listen without trying to cheer me up. Are you open to that?” Doesn’t have to be so literal, of course, but expressing it consciously creates clarity.

Where is the boundary?

With positive thoughts you achieve more. When does it become denial of reality? That intersection is different for everyone, since there is no one-size-fits-all reality. Denial of physical or mental pain does come close to that line. By pretending something is not there, you are not taking ownership. You are not resolving anything then. When another person denies your feelings, you notice it immediately in your lower gut. It feels as if your emotion is not allowed to take a place. The supposedly uplifting words then actually make it heavier.

Listening and questioning

Chances are you yourself sometimes make positive comments that are not helpful. We sometimes find another person’s discomfort difficult. When someone shows pain, it sometimes confronts you with your own vulnerability. Offering a quick fix then seems to be the easiest way, because then that unpleasant feeling will go away faster. Denial is a well-known survival mechanism.

What is more constructive to do?

• Keep the other person’s emotions with the other person. You may feel something, but you don’t have to take over.
• Actively listen to what the other person says without relating it directly to yourself.
• Ask open-ended questions consistent with what you hear.
• Be clear about your own boundaries. When you don’t know what to say, ask what the other person needs. Also say what you can offer. Perhaps you have little space, but you can do something else, such as taking a walk together or offering practical distractions.

Perhaps it would be interesting to explore when you tend to react positively too quickly. What thoughts or feelings arise? What triggers you? By consciously listening to yourself, you will discover why you react the way you do. In this way, you will develop the ability to respond in a more constructive way!